Funny stories about accountancy and taxation to lighten your day!

Lap Dancers.

The Times City section recently reported that the Inland Revenue had refused to give special status to British lap dancers. Lap dancers were attempting to be put on the same level as pop stars and soccer players by being given the same tax rights if they retire early. It seems that the Revenue's refusal could lead to an increase in the average age of lap dancers!

Heard the one about..?

Four professionals - an engineer, a chemist, an accountant, and an IT contractor - were all boasting about how clever their dogs were. The engineer said that his dog could do something really impressive, so the others asked him to show them.

"Set Square, come here" shouted the engineer. "Do your stuff." The dog waltzed over, picked up a ruler and a pencil and drew a perfect square on a piece of paper. The others agreed that this was pretty impressive.

The chemist also said that his dog was very intelligent and offered to show the others.

"Prescription, come here, and do your stuff"

Prescription ran over to the fridge where he took out a bottle of milk. Then he took a 10ml glass and poured the milk into the glass right to the top of the rim, without spilling any. Again, everyone thought this was pretty cool.

The accountant called his dog over; "Spreadsheet, get to work"

Spreadsheet ran into the kitchen and brought out a box of twelve biscuits. He opened the box and divided the biscuits into four piles of three each. The four professionals were suitably impressed.

They turned to the IT contractor and said "What can your dog do?"

The IT contractor called his dog over. "Chargeable, come over here, and get to work." Chargeable ambled over, drank the milk, ate the biscuits, relieved himself on the piece of paper on the floor and mounted the three other dogs. He then presented his bill for £7000, lit a cigar, got into his Lotus and screeched off into the sunset!

Questions and Answers..

Q. What does an actuary do to liven up a party?
A. He invites an accountant

Q. What is the difference between a finance director and a shopping trolley?
A. A finance director holds more food and drink.

Q. What is the difference between a football and an accountant?
A. The football goes further when you kick it.

Q. What is an auditor?
A. Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Final observations..

There are three kinds of accountant in this world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything, and the value of nothing.